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[4GetMeNots]

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco  Bell said to me. 
 
 I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.
 
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
 
I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet? A mere child!  Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
 
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.
 
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
 
I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat.  Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle..

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
 
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a   Toyota Prius.. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

[4GetMeNots]

A Cow's Tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around  I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end..'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'.

[4GetMeNots]

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled  an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.  As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.  Just as I was thinking I  should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap  and walked over to the wheelchair.  Placing his hand on the man's, he said,
 'I know how you feel.  My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'.

[damosel]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v136/damosel/11111%20ftforum/image014.gif

[damosel]

Traffic Camera
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera.  I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding. 
 
Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. 
 
Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace. 
 
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..
 
You can't fix stupid.

[RhinestonesPast]

That was hilarious Kevin! That would be me, can't stand to be strapped down, and one of these days!

[4GetMeNots]

roflol! oh that's good!

[damosel]

This one is for everyone who...
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.

 

I guess that means all of us!!

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said ,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
'What happened to my booger?

[4GetMeNots]

ROFLOL...oh yuck,  that's a good one!!

[ImaTucker]

   

[4GetMeNots]

 A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of these children yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

I Wish I could think so quickly.

[ImaTucker]

    

[4GetMeNots]

really! don't you wish you could think that fast?  of course this guy may have heard it a lot through the years and had time to come up with this answer.  Sure, that must be it. 

[ImaTucker]

Sure, that must be it

Your absolutely correct. My son with 8 kids has come up with some good ones over the years - but not as good as this one! I'll have to share it with him!

[4GetMeNots]

Which one has 8 kids?  He has surpassed my daughter who has had 7.

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